Death, Guilt and I

“Hi Kamesh”, I had almost laughed out, having heard strange jokes on that name. But I didn’t finally, because being at a hospital, and hearing the cries of wailing relatives of some dead patient far away, my laugh would have been outrageous. When we talked, we both felt a strange sense of surprise and shock. We haven’t met in atleast fifteen years, and it was ridiculous that we had to meet in the given circumstances, or that we could remember our names without a problem. Looking at him I had a doubt that the person in the hospital could be his elder brother, who used to be my classmate, hardly forgettable because of his long name – Mathala Naga Venkata Shiva Rama Krishnayya or because of his huge issues with his health since we both were in ninth standard! Here now, Kamesh told me that after almost sixteen or seventeen years doctors were able to finally find what Krishnayya’s problem has been – Wilson’s disease. He was in the I.C.U., and I wouldn’t be allowed to see him, until the visiting hours, and he also pointed that it would be not so useful meeting Krishnayya as he was only able to talk in ‘signal’, as he lack the energy to even talk.

Any other time I would have told Kamesh to take care of his brother, and that we will keep in touch, knowing that I wouldn’t. Because obviously how can my meeting after fifteen years do any good to this fellow, and I wish that he’d rather bother about making his health better than reigniting friendship with me. I like to believe that I’m an objective thinker! I remember one early morning, few years ago, when I received a phone call from one of my closest friends. He told me his father had passed away the previous night. I don’t remember what I talked to him, because after talking to him, I dozed off into my sleep again, without an iota of guilt, believing that my friend is as objective thinker as I’m! Yes I was that much an objective thinker.

I never thought death or guilt could affect me anyway, until atleast few more years! It was not that I have seen too many deaths, neither have I been too impervious to the way deaths affect others. But deep down I know that death is a natural part of our living, and I would block any reaction towards anyone’s death, including the deaths of my grandparents or grand aunts, or uncles etc. And then, recently, it all changed.

Recently one late night Sampath called me, and told me his brother had been found dead. Sandeep, Sampath’s brother, had been missing from home for almost a week before this news came out. A week or two before running away from home, Sandeep was in a hospital, having corrupted his liver with excess drinking. For all the pain his liver was going through then, Sandeep was just about 27 years old. Doctors were shocked, not just about his liver or age, but also when they learned that he was a doctor himself. Of course, they gasped in disbelief, I was told, when they learned that Sampath was also a doctor himself. “How could he allow his brother to be so,” they must have thought! Anyways doctors are doctors; they all thought my friend’s brother was getting better. He did get well too, atleast it so seemed.

Sampath left his brother in their mom’s care, and went to take care of his patients hundreds of miles away. I told Sampath that I will visit his brother, and I told myself I could make Sandeep talk about his addiction (yeah I think I was a counselor of some kinds. I didn’t visit the hospital, obviously lacking any sense of guilt of breaking a promise. Two weeks later when I came to know that he had died, I didn’t feel a thing except my heart went into my belly for a second. I reasoned, “That’s what happens, when you hear the news of the death of a twenty seven year old doctor, having been found in a lake, in which you and your friends paddled boats for fun”!

Few seconds later that night, Sampath’s fiancée called – she was crying, obviously she had heard the news. “Why so much drama”, I thought. Of course I was being me. But I didn’t know what was in store for me that night. I was extremely sleepy, and when I tried to sleep, I just couldn’t. I thought it was the usual reaction to a death – I, the objectively devioid of guilt or pain, but I just couldn’t sleep. I thought of my friend who had to break the news to his mother yet, and how their mom would react looking at her young son’s body! Then it struck, – a strong feeling that had I visited this boy in the hospital, I could have atleast seen what he was going through. My brush with guilt wasn’t obviously pleasant; I didn’t sleep that night. I do not have words nor do I remember what I was going through – possibly this is how guilt works!

Few days later, Sam had come home, and before leaving he left me with few medicines to be returned at the hospital from where they were bought. He told me he just doesn’t want to return there soon. “Not so good memories” I thought, “was it necessary to dramatize them so much!” Another shock was in for me.

When I finally managed to go to the hospital, parked my car and as I sat in checking the medicines, a strange disturbance took over me. I had become extremely serious, and the same feeling of guilt that cost my night’s sleep that night, had come back. I walked slowly, and just as I entered the main gate, I saw a face that seemed familiar. It hadn’t changed in all the years we haven’t met, but except instead of the boyish charm, this face had some beard, and eyes were sad, looking at nothing in particular. It was Kamesh.

***

It was strange that the gentleman taking the ‘returned’ medicines didn’t ask any questions about it. I guess he already knew the answers, otherwise why would anyone return ‘most sof the medicines’. He argued that the single pills will not be taken back, and I didn’t want to extend his arguement. Having done the job at the hospital, I ‘promised’ Kamesh that I would ‘try’ to come back to have a look at Krishnayya. I went out, threw the remaining ‘single pills’ away on the road, and it was only after throwing them away I realized I could have atleast offered the pharmacist the pills back, for free – they could have helped someone. I wouldn’t be this illogical most of the time, but it was then I realized that I was too caught up with my guilt, and sadness. Sitting in the car I understood what goes into people’s minds when they are faced with certain situations, even though such were inevitable, they just don’t know how to react, and that’s when they dramatize, and that’s why they cry.

Half an hour later, it was time I.C.U would be open for visitors, atleast that’s what I was told. I begged the nurse who wouldn’t let me in, and somehow I could convince her. That’s when I met Krishnayya, after probably fifteen years. Jaundice had left a strange yellow color on his rather dark skin, and his eyes were even darkly yellow. He smiled at me, and talked to me. I talked back too, and turns out that I was a natural at how to talk to recuperating patients! I said bye, and he smiled yet again, not knowing that his smile had wiped away the sense of guilt that I had recently burdened myself with. I’m not sure how serious Krishnayya’s problem is, but he had solved my little problem. Now I can be guiltless again and ask shameless questions about others’ dramas, or so I think I can.

You Love Her Don’t You?

“You Love Her Don’t You?” someone asked him.

He almost said no but managed a smile – a smile that looked like it said yes and yet looked contradictory too.

“No I don’t love her. Yeah I chose her, but it was only to express the love that I was born with in a way I cannot express with anyone else. This expression sometimes binds me, sometimes drives me insane but most often frees me”. Now that could have been the right answer.

Then someone else asked him, “is she the one”. Before the answer came there was yet another question from within him “am I the one”. He knew it would take more than a life time to understand it. So he smiled – a smile that looked like it said “I don’t know” but made him look like a saint.

Vedam – A Film Whose Time Has Come – Review Revisited

Going through certain motions of day to day living I sometimes silently think Bratike undanee naalo manishini… (Let the human in me live!), and that’s how I remembered the song Mallee puttanee naalo manishini… (May the human in me reborn again) from the Telugu movie Vedam.  I remember writing a review almost a year and a half ago. The site that published it doesn’t exist anymore. Hence I try to post the article here.

Here’s the review

Disclaimer: While this piece is an attempt to encourage those who haven’t seen Vedam to go to the theaters, it is equally for those who have seen it.

For those who haven’t seen it, this article does mention few story points, but it doesn’t spoil any fun. You can go to the theaters expecting what is expected from a Telugu film. Irrespective of how it comes across, you will surely watch this film few years later. By then there will be more films like this; this piece is about what’s in Vedam that it will inspire more films like these.

From those who have seen it already, many must have liked it, and many others wouldn’t even want to consider it as a half decent movie. This piece doesn’t intend to challenge their stance, it intends to say that Vedam stresses on the saying – “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Consider this scene – a prostitute is pushing a wheel chair carrying a stabbed eunuch, across a hospital corridor. She is not worried if the doctors come to help, because at that moment few terrorists are chasing and killing anyone who comes in sight. She along with the eunuch is running for life.

Then this scene – in the exact opposite corridor, a wannabe rock star and a wannabe rich guy are leading a group of people to safety, saving them from the same terrorists. This group includes a mother who’s going through pregnancy pains, a Muslim who’s been mistaken for a terrorist, few nurses, few patients and many others whom we can relate to.

What similarity do you see between these two scenes?

The idea is not to talk about metaphors, but to drag your wonderment on how subtly a filmmaker can use them to tell us a story. These two scenes demand you to run backwards and ask who these people are, what they were doing there and also what happens next.

That forms the story of ‘Vedam’. Incidentally, the above two scenes summarize the very essence of human condition in a country like ours. “What’s wrong with our condition”, one could ask? Nothing, just that we are left to dream, left to want more, left to desire safety, left to escape in time of trouble and yet satisfy the need to be called an Indian and importantly a human! Sounds too complex doesn’t it? Vedam simplifies all of it in just 135 minutes.

And with these two scenes it talks about the human condition. Vedam shows the troubles of every one of us with just one character, a character whose ‘value’ everyone lusts, and whose responsibility no one takes – The Prostitute. Brilliant!

The prostitute has a friend, who inspite of human limitations, becomes the prostitute’s only partner, irrespective of what she does is right or wrong. That character is infact a Eunuch. Master stroke!

So a prostitute and eunuch become the narrators and metaphors of a story about us told by picking up few amongst us – a wannabe rock star, a poor guy wanting to be rich, an insecure Muslim, and a grandpa ready to sell his body parts for his grandson’s education.

The prostitute and the eunuch characters become the most mundane “et cetera” we add at the end of sentences! Yet this very “et cetera” makes sentences more meaningful.

When these two, the prostitute and eunuch, sing “egiripothe entha bavuntundi…” (How nice would it be to fly away), they are singing not just for the other characters in the film, but about us, you and me. Period!

When they try to make deals selling body, we see the other characters making deals too – some selling body parts, others selling souls.

When the prostitute and eunuch change plans to lead a normal life, without selling body, that’s when the film hits us, because by then it has come to an end. What makes each character change their way of life is the essence of Vedam.

Emotionally Vedam is a heart wrenching tale. It shows the insecurity caused by a past, conflict of the present, and struggle for a stable future, in a way we, as Telugu audience, never experienced. It keeps pointing towards that human inside each one of us, who seems to be asleep for most of our lifetimes. It takes sides with a thief or a prostitute as much as it does with a terrorist. Yet it questions their reasons – reasons that can be shaken by just few situations that happen in life! And hence irrespective of too much killing, too much violence and violations, Vedam is a fulfilling experience.

Krish’s story and direction don’t deserve a hug or a kiss. They coax you to bend down and touch his feet if you could, or express a heartfelt gratitude or a silent prayer that this isn’t another Guru Dutt* in the making. He had the guts of wanting to tell a story in a region that loves excess of any emotion in the name of entertainment.

He found soulful friends in his Music Director, Cinematographer and Editor. He also found some willing actors, who, in spite of their region’s demands wanted to act in a ‘risky’ movie. Together these people showcase a spectacular achievement brought by the synergy of many minds who understood the soul of Vedam.

Gnanasekhar’s camera puts us into the scenes; Sravan’s editing doesn’t let our minds waver, and Keeravani’s score strums many heartstrings. Krish’s dialogues make a deeper connection with us, and the settings are as real as our memories of our lives are. The actors are so good that one could feel sorry to call them actors!

If Allu Arjun’s acting doesn’t bring tears to our eyes, we better check our hearts if they are made of stone. Manoj Manchu eases into the complex role of an innocent but innately angry, wannabe rockstar .

Lekha Washington, Deeksha Seth, Siya Gautham, and Nikki, bring authenticity to the characters they play. The performances of debutant old man Nagaiah, and Saranya are too honest to believe. Manoj Bajpai brings along the power of his eyes.

Anushka Shetty deserves commendations for taking up a raw role of a prostitute who likes what she is doing. Yet this very character is a central metaphor to the entire theme of Vedam.

But finally Vedam isn’t about metaphors or narrators or storytellers or actors. Vedam is a complex story of humanity itself told with utmost simplicity and lots of love for the humans inside each one of us.

Even if after watching Vedam we aren’t moved, maybe we should listen to the song “Malle Puttanee… Naalo Manishini” (Let the Human in me be born again), it could be about us.

From purely Telugu Cinema’s perspective Vedam is a powerful film whose time has come. It demands that Telugu filmmakers and audiences say “Malle Puttanee… Telugu Cinema nee” (Let Telugu Cinema be born again)!

*Guru Dutt, who made films that were way too forward for his time, committed suicide at the age of 39. Many say that it could be a result of a failed marriage. Others think that this was a man who was anguished from a sense of being creatively misunderstood.

Embrace

 

Am I You, Life, I Ask, or

Are you me

And then you give me the answer I’ve always known

There is no you, there is no me

Just the never ending Embrace…

Of Love

Wow

Why Rahul Dravid has been an Inspiration in My Life!

I have erred often in my life, and more so often I have repeated the same mistakes again and again than learn from them! It was during days when I was making more mistakes in my life that someone by the name Rahul Dravid took my attention. I had seen him earlier, years ago, playing or probably captaining an Under 19 team Vs New Zealand early in 90s. I think he kept wickets, also bowled and batted as well in one of those matches (I’m not sure). Anyways, I wasn’t much into Test Cricket, when he had made his debut in England scoring wonderfully. However, years later, I started to like the way he had held himself in the few matches that I watched. My most sympathetic moment came for him, when he was dropped from the ODI teams because of his slow approach to batting. What started as sympathy had later turned into tons of respect towards this man, who would go onto change my life in the way I have never imagined.

Coming back to sympathy, watching Dravid bat in Wold Cup 1999 was a joy. He was the top scorer in the World Cup, even though India didn’t make it to Semi Finals. He had been involved in two 200+ run partnerships in the same world cup. Dravid had a made come back. Always being the supporter of the Under Dog, I loved the way Rahul Dravid made his come back. His comments, off the field, never said anything loud, but never left anything incomplete or unfufiling. He was a wonderful talker, and till date he remains one of my most Loving Speakers, both in and off the game. It seems it was around this time that Rahul Dravid’s role as the supporter came to the fore. He has supported many others achieve their highest individual scores. Just to mention few he was at the other end when the likes of Sehwag, Sachin, Ganguly, VVS Laxman would achieve their highest scores either in Test or ODIs (till then)! Now that was a team player, who would fit into the supporting role as easily as he would lead it when required. (For example: He finished off the game against Pak in 2003 WC, with a 40+ score along with Yuvi).  True Team Player, and this is the biggest lesson I learnt from him – being a team player, no matter what role you are in.

Then came a cricket event that would put me into complete awe of this fellow. It was another useless day for me, when me and a dear friend, gathered ourselves in front of TV, talking of kings and cabbages. By the end of the day we saw three sessions in a day of a Test Match in which two players batted all along. VVS Laxman was at the helm, scoring 200+ runs. Rahul Dravid was at the other end – supporting him. The Kolkata innings completely turned him into my God. Yes Laxman was the leader in the match, but try taking any thing away from Rahul – you would find nothing! I wonder if both Rahul and VVS Laxman were in tune with the God that day. They just played. We watched. It was as if Rahul had silently told me – look into the best within you - that will change the way you look at your life. And Rahul kept proving it, in Australia and South Africa (much later) bringing India’s 1st Test Victory in both these places, and then winning another in West Indies – all with his amazing solidity.

It was only natural that he became the LEADER. It was only natural that he would lead. He had (still has) great vision – he was instrumental in picking India’s most important players, without bias; he played his role when ICC demanded him to work for it; and yet he would come back and play Ranji Trophy – in silent thanks to where he came from, and wanting to share with juniors, what he has learned so far! But leadership brings with it, great difficulties. His team lost the WC 2007 in the first round! Rahul never came into the fore after that, proving that he was after all a human, whose determination, hard work and working on priorities helped him nurture his talent. He left none of these qualities even though his good times deserted him, like they most naturally do. Only Navaratilova, whose story is as inspiring as Rahul’s, could explain what Rahul must have gone through – “What matters isn’t how well you play when you’re playing well. What matters is how well you play when you’re playing badly.” Rahul played well. His team supported him, deservedly. His critics raised voices, but he would silently play – most often struggling, but ensuring that he had atleast wasted balls in order to make them get older for the players coming in late, making a new record of playing more balls than anyone else in the game! In the mean time, though, he worked on other things that he could work on – fitness, on catching, and on everything else he could.

There have been painful contributions, there have been some easier ones, but what Rahul Dravid did was that he never let his guard down, even in the moments of failures. It is through these failures that the second nature of a man comes out. I wonder if anyone had discussed this earlier anywhere – but Rahul comes across as a saint, who had left everything else, detached from the happenings of the world, working more on his penance! Incidentally, saints in India are expected in temples or in mountains, not in our homes! Voices rose against him, even though Rahul egged on improving himself. Personally, though, I think if there is the biggest critic that Rahul Dravid ever found, would be Rahul Dravid himself. That there is no other person who would be able to point your negative at you, other than yourself, says a thing or two about Greatness. I’m not sure how many else can be in that situation, now that is the position I someday would like to be, and I know that I have a long long way to go.

Has Rahul Dravid found a second winding (even after the century in West Indies) or has he weathered the long storm, it would be too early to try to answer. But having followed Rahul Dravid for sometime I know that whatever he chooses to do next, be it in Cricket or away from it, would be as pure as the man himself – useful to himself, useful to his team or family or society and quite remarkable for the coming generations.

I’m not sure if, in my life, I will be able to do things the way Rahul did. But in the search for the best within, it is indeed inspiring, insightful and enlightening, to have someone like Rahul Dravid in my life time. I render a sincere thanks and bow to this man for just having been there, doing what he does best – being there among the most gentlemanly great the gentleman game ever produced.

My five moments of Cinema!

I think it is quite preposterous when someone asks me – What is your favorite movie? The simple reason is that a movie is predominantly based on a topic, and topic necessarily needn’t be our favorite one at all! Yet there will be dozens of movies, which we will relate to, mostly because we get connected to its emotion.

The first example is none other than the favorite movie of most people – The Godfather. If someone says that their favorite topic is about a coldblooded murderer and a plotter of murder of many others, many of us would definitely take a deep breathe about him/her. Yet, how many times have we all watched this movie with great respect to each of its main characters and filmmakers? Psychologists wouldn’t mind saying that animal instincts haven’t pervaded us humans, as we all bask in the glory of Michael Corleone’s rise as The Godfather. Incidentally, one of my most interesting moments of Cinema belongs to this film.

Moment from The Godfather: When Michael chances upon the plan that his father’s enemies are plotting to kill his oldman, even after their first attempt to kill him failed, he teams up with an ordinary guy to pose as his father’s security. The killers fall for this charade, assume that there is still some security left at the hospital and leave immediately. Michael’s friend, breathes a sigh of relief, knowing completely that he just missed a date with death. He goes for a cigarette, and tries to light it up with his lighter. His shivering hands make it hard for him to light it up. Michael, instinctively, takes the lighter and lights up the cigarette. It is after this moment he sees that unlike his good friend’s, his hands aren’t trembling in fear and that he has in him the same coldblooded monsterous genius that resides in his father too!

And you still wonder why you like this film? Hail Coppola!

Moment from Maya Bazaar (Telugu, 1957):  In Maya Bazaar, when Lord Sri Krishna brings along gifts for the family of his elder brother, no one would have been prepared for a gift called Priya Darshini – a gift that would show people their favorite ‘things’. For a proud man the visual of his disciple bending down in complete devotion is soothing, while for a middle aged woman the sight of jewellery and money is relaxing. And for a young girl, finding her lover on screen, so close to her makes her fly. What way of establishing characters, and what unique imagination when Free India was not even into its teens!

Moment from Dil Chahta Hai (Hindi, 2001): While the relationships between man and a woman, and sometimes only between women, have been explored beautifully on screen – never before male bonding looked beautiful, fun and charming at the same time. Farhan Akhthar’s debut not only took India by surprise for its chic urban evolution in India, but that men, in between them, share great chemistry too. Standing on a boat in a sea, when Aakash, Sameer, Siddharth, each with different mindsets, each on the verge of a ‘sea’ change in their lives, look into horizon seriously, they catch themselves staring into nothing and laugh at each other. I’m not sure if this was a planned shot, but even if it wasn’t – it is simply brilliant.

Moment from Amelie (French, 2002): For a second, Amelie, a waitress who enjoys simple pleasures in a delightful corner of Paris, wonders how many people could be having orgasm in that very moment. And then we see… what – a montage of shocking visuals, with different people, each with different sound, who have just had an orgasm. That is heights of realistic, voyuerstic, and innocent imagination; and in the world’s first fulllength digital intermediate work film – it was plain beautiful!

Moment from Close Encounters of the Third Kind (English, 1977):  It is almost impossible, somehow not to have Steven Spielberg in any list of mine that pertains to cinema. A kid, who seems to have been kidnapped by aliens, is returned to his mother, in a visually stunning, and emotionally titillating scene. In the context of the scenario the way the kid looks back at the aliens, tells us that they didn’t treat him too badly, and that to some extent he would miss them. Now conveying that unknown emotion through a single look is what makes this scene touching to the point of shaking you internally!

Note: Remember these are not shot compositions, or visuals that I was talking of, but plain emotional moments that seemed to make an impression on me. The fact that I personally liked each film mentioned here, might have had its own measure of impact on my decision-making to an extent.

So much for asking me what my favorite film is. My answer would be none, or just too many to remember!